Some people love to play the victim. Nothing is ever their fault and everyone around them is out to get them. Having a coworker like this can take a toll on you. So what’s the best way to protect yourself? How can you help your colleague change their mindset? And how do you handle the emotional toll of working with this person?
What the Experts Say
Working alongside someone who always feels like a victim “is an inherent downer,” says Holly Weeks, a lecturer at the Harvard Kennedy School and author of Failure to Communicate. “You feel stuck,” she says. “You see this person walking towards you and your heart sinks.” Perhaps the biggest challenge in dealing with a colleague who has this mentality is “the negativity” that this person exudes, says Amy Jen Su, managing partner of Paravis Partners and coauthor of Own the Room. “When you are busy, the last thing you need is to be around someone who views the world as glass half empty,” she says. Still, you’re not helpless. “The one thing you can control is your response,” Su says. Here’s some advice on how to deal with this decidedly difficult colleague.
Be empathetic
To begin, recognize that your colleague’s perpetual victimhood “is not about you,” says Su. “So don’t take it personally.” Try to reserve judgment. “Compassion helps,” she adds. “Notice that this person views the world differently than you do. And it must be hard to live every day in victim mode.” Weeks recommends trying to “shift how you see the person,” and then “adjusting your psychological reaction in any way that helps.” Be empathetic. Remember: your colleague is not purposely trying to make you crazy. “It’s like when you hear that your plane’s takeoff is delayed. You can dwell on it and get angry, or you can cool your jets and try not to let it bother you,” says Weeks. Your objective is not “necessarily to view your colleague with sympathy, but to be neutral.”
Be positive
Next, think about how you’ll “protect yourself from absorbing your colleague’s toxic behavior,” says Su. A little self-preservation is in order. She recommends spending time with colleagues who provide a “counterbalance” to this difficult one. “You need to surround yourself with people who bring you energy, lift you up, and who are positive forces.” When you have to spend time with this person, find ways to decompress afterward, whether it’s taking a walk, meditating, or listening to music. And, importantly, even if this particular colleague rubs you the wrong way, try to find something about this person to like, says Weeks. “Find different facets to them,” she advises. Don’t focus on their “freaked out, whiny, and paranoid side.” Look for commonalities — at the very least, you’re both committed to your organization.
Provide a counter narrative
Dealing with a colleague like this can be mentally exhausting — especially if you’re regularly listening to the person’s complaints. But you don’t have to “be passive in this recital of woe,” says Weeks. Instead, “shift this person’s focus away from the bogeyman” by “offering a counter narrative” to that version of reality. Say, for instance, your colleague grouses about a boss who they perceive as giving them more work than anyone else on the team. She suggests saying something like, “I know it’s stressful. I bet the boss is doing it because you’re so competent and reliable and doesn’t think it will put a strain on you.” Your response isn’t patronizing, rather it’s showing an alternative way of seeing the situation. Remember: your goal is to help the person “choose a different mindset.”
Offer validation
Offering validation can also be helpful in these circumstances, says Su. “Validation is often the missing link for people like this,” she explains. “They don’t feel seen or heard and so they think, ‘If I complain” — or play the victim — “I will get some acknowledgment and some appreciation.” She says that sometimes these people just need positive reinforcement that they’re not getting elsewhere. Don’t be disingenuous, of course, but “if the compliment is well-deserved it might quell the noise.” This doesn’t mean that you endorse their complaints, rather that you recognize their positive accomplishments.
Propose solutions
Another possible response to your colleague’s litany of complaints is to offer solutions to problems, says Su. “This person may be complaining because they have an unspoken need that’s not being addressed,” she says. In this case, you should “go into coach mode. Say, ‘Are there expectations you have that others may not be aware of?’ Or: ‘I hear you are upset about XYZ, let’s brainstorm ways to resolve it.’” Your goal, according to Weeks, is to focus “not on your colleague’s feelings,” but on the professional challenges. Empower your colleague and “brace yourself around the issues,” she says. Whatever you do, don’t “encourage the dynamic” of constant carping. If nothing more, your colleague will realize that you’re not fun to grumble to and will likely lose interest in the conversation.
Be direct with your colleague
The prospect of confronting a colleague about their behavior can invoke profound feelings of dread. “But if this person is taking a toll on business results, you need talk to them about the impact they’re having,” says Su. Be gracious and considerate. “Say: ‘You are a leader on this team. I can see you’re under stress, but when you complain, it brings the team down. Can you be more mindful of what you’re telegraphing?’” Your aim is to show your colleague that “their mood has a ripple effect.” Your tone and word choice are critical here, according to Weeks. “If you say, ‘You’re paranoid and you whine a lot,’ your colleague is not going to hear it.” Instead, focus on the behavior they should be exhibiting not the behavior you wish they’d stop.
Talk to your boss
It might also be worthwhile to talk to your manager about the situation. The decision to go to your boss, however, is not straightforward, says Su. “In some ways, if you complain to the boss, you’re becoming this person,” she says. But if you believe that your colleague’s conduct is “taking a toll on the team or having a negative impact on the business,” you need to speak up. Don’t center the conversation around “personalities,” says Weeks. Rather, “talk in terms that are useful” to your boss. “Make it about the work.” You might say, for instance, that this person is distracting. The goal is to “frame the issue in a way that your boss realizes this is not the dynamic they want in the office.”
Set limits
Finally, make your boundaries clear. “If this person is always coming by your desk to vent, you need to set new rules of engagement,” says Su. Don’t be rude or disrespectful. But be upfront about your limits. “Go quiet and use you your body language to signal that you don’t want to get into it.” Even if “you feel like you can’t fix the situation, you can at least contain it,” adds Weeks. “As soon as you see the person coming, say, ‘I have about six minutes to talk.’” It’s not a perfect strategy, but “at least you won’t have to suffer very long.” Your goal is to be “neither a doormat nor an enabler.”
Principles to Remember
Do
- Demonstrate empathy and compassion for your colleague.
- Try to shift your colleague’s focus away from complaining by offering solutions to their problems.
- Talk to your colleague about their behavior and the effect it’s having on the team. Your aim is to show your colleague that their mood has a ripple effect.
Don’t
- Encourage the dynamic with a colleague who is constantly carping. When you don’t join in, this person will realize you’re not fun to grumble to.
- Let the negativity drag you down. Surround yourself with colleagues who bring you energy, lift you up, and who are positive forces.
- Be a doormat. Be upfront about your boundaries and set limits on how much time you’re willing to spend with this person.
Case Study #1: Find something to like about this person and focus on solutions
Duke Greenhill, Vice President of Creative & Strategy at J.O., an advertising agency in Fort Worth, Texas, once worked closely with someone who lived in perpetual victimhood. The employee — we’ll call him Sam — worked in the account services department.
Sam whined a lot, recalls Duke. “The world, fate, God, Yaweh, chance, luck, you name it…they were all conspiring against him. Sam also felt everything was personal, and probably had a healthy dash of narcissism. His every response began with ‘But.’”
In the beginning, Duke tried to be compassionate. He reflected on the things he liked and admired about Sam. “Sam wasn’t bad [at his job] by any stretch of the imagination,” he says. “He was driven and tenacious.”
But Duke admits that this initial approach was maybe a little too soft. “I was, perhaps, overly empathetic — read: enabling — at first, and so Sam began bringing his woes directly to me.”
Duke felt he needed to take action, especially because he knew all too well the dangers of playing the victim. “I used to be [like] Sam in some ways and so I told him about my own similar experiences,” he says. “I also showed him at every opportunity that people/life/the world are not black or white. Through metaphor and everyday examples, I think I helped him see things differently.”
Duke also focused on helping Sam change his perspective by asking him to think about possible solutions to the challenges he faced. “I told him: ‘Don’t come to me with problems and complaints unless you also come to me with at least one potential solution/reframing,’” he says.
Over time, Sam complained less and also proactively began to try to solve his own problems. He also stopped playing the victim as often. He has since moved on to another company. “I hear that Sam is doing well,” says Duke.
Case Study #2: Talk to your colleague about the impact his mood has on the team
Christian Rennella, the CEO of oMelhorTrato — a South American company that helps customers find and compare prices of credit cards and insurance services — has recent experience working with someone who felt the world was out to get them.
About six months ago, his company hired an engineer in the field of artificial intelligence. In many ways, the employee — we’ll call him Ethan — has worked out very well. “The progress he has made has been spectacular,” he says. “Thanks to Ethan, we have been able to automate a large part of our processes and that has helped us grow.”
But Ethan has also proved to be a challenging personality. “It always seemed that he was the victim and that he was never to blame — whether the imagined culprit was within the company or in the larger world of AI,” says Christian. “He had a constant tendency to focus on what happened around him rather than his own work.”
At first, Christian wasn’t sure what to do. But upon reflection, he realized that the behavior was having a negative impact on others. “I saw that the rest of the team also noticed Ethan’s complaints and it was an uncomfortable situation at times.”
Christian decided to talk to Ethan. He wanted to show him that his negativity and victim mindset affected others. “So, in a one-on-one meeting, I highlighted the various times in which he played the victim,” he says.
Christian’s tone was respectful and considerate. “I told him that instead of looking for excuses, what we need from him is to look for solutions.” He also explained that he was making the team uncomfortable.
Ethan didn’t realize that he was having that kind of impact, according to Christian. “He took what I said to heart — and he’s made many adjustments,” he says. “His personality has changed for the better.”
from HBR.org https://ift.tt/2Syq6e6
